I stand still …?

by sjjohnson89



How much control do you feel with your life, really?

I ask because, i feel very little with mine. So far, my life has consisted of rather illogical actions based of thoughts and feelings that felt right or logical to me. I made these decisions, i thought about it, i reacted, i acted upon these thoughts and here i am, still doing it. If i made these decisions, if i truly had control of them then why do i feel like im stationary, only my environment ever changing?

You ever had one of those nightmares where you are running away from something, you try to run, you are running as hard as you can, but you aren’t moving? I can relate how i feel to that. I’ve had plenty of decisions to make throughout my life so far that have had  life changing consequences. I have never taken such decisions lightly. But, when i analyse it i find myself feeling that the decisions i have made, if given them again with the same experiences and circumstances at that specific stage in my life, i would have made the same decisions time and time again. I have regrets yes, if i had my time over again with my knowledge now things would have been different. But the fact is, we can only react and act according to who we are in that moment. Therefore, my reflection on success and failure over the course of my life only serves to affect the decisions that come to pass in my future, not my past.

My life has consisted of something i can only refer to as platforms, i am stationary on one platform until something happens, be it an event or a change in circumstances, i then change to another platform or rather the platform at my feet changes. Ill use the analogy of being at a train station, sure, you could go to Glasgow if you wish, but if your reason to be at the station is to go to Manchester  you aren’t going to just get on the train to Glasgow are you? You have the choice to do that, but you wont.

It makes me wonder, just how much control i really have over my life, whether i really have any control at all.

Fate, i wonder if there is such a thing? By fate, i do not mean that we are destined each and every one of us for greatness and power etc etc. What i mean is this, is it possible that everything can be calculated? That our free will, our freedom of choice may actually be a delusion? We are within ourselves, prisoners to ourselves. We make decisions  for better or worse based on everything we know, everything we are and what our circumstances are at that specific time.

Its a curious thought, one that resonates with me deeply. My life has been a strange link of chains made by coincidences, a man of faith would say its god’s way of speaking to you.

I say at this moment, that they are thought provoking coincidences.