My Journal

Month: November, 2012

Test 4 …

Dark Moon


If there is a god, let him show himself in all his glory.

If there is a god, let him come to me, let him answer my questions.

If there is a god, explain to me, what are you?

Where are you?

Tell me, why am i here …


Test 4


Below is the latest visualization of the ideas i am expressing on this blog.


More than man, the mortal who thinks hes god=Shadow Figure.

Dark Moon=The embodiment of Darkness.

Dreamscape=Where all things big and small meet.


Those who seek shall find.



I stand still …?



How much control do you feel with your life, really?

I ask because, i feel very little with mine. So far, my life has consisted of rather illogical actions based of thoughts and feelings that felt right or logical to me. I made these decisions, i thought about it, i reacted, i acted upon these thoughts and here i am, still doing it. If i made these decisions, if i truly had control of them then why do i feel like im stationary, only my environment ever changing?

You ever had one of those nightmares where you are running away from something, you try to run, you are running as hard as you can, but you aren’t moving? I can relate how i feel to that. I’ve had plenty of decisions to make throughout my life so far that have had  life changing consequences. I have never taken such decisions lightly. But, when i analyse it i find myself feeling that the decisions i have made, if given them again with the same experiences and circumstances at that specific stage in my life, i would have made the same decisions time and time again. I have regrets yes, if i had my time over again with my knowledge now things would have been different. But the fact is, we can only react and act according to who we are in that moment. Therefore, my reflection on success and failure over the course of my life only serves to affect the decisions that come to pass in my future, not my past.

My life has consisted of something i can only refer to as platforms, i am stationary on one platform until something happens, be it an event or a change in circumstances, i then change to another platform or rather the platform at my feet changes. Ill use the analogy of being at a train station, sure, you could go to Glasgow if you wish, but if your reason to be at the station is to go to Manchester  you aren’t going to just get on the train to Glasgow are you? You have the choice to do that, but you wont.

It makes me wonder, just how much control i really have over my life, whether i really have any control at all.

Fate, i wonder if there is such a thing? By fate, i do not mean that we are destined each and every one of us for greatness and power etc etc. What i mean is this, is it possible that everything can be calculated? That our free will, our freedom of choice may actually be a delusion? We are within ourselves, prisoners to ourselves. We make decisions  for better or worse based on everything we know, everything we are and what our circumstances are at that specific time.

Its a curious thought, one that resonates with me deeply. My life has been a strange link of chains made by coincidences, a man of faith would say its god’s way of speaking to you.

I say at this moment, that they are thought provoking coincidences.


Because its the truth …?



An atheist often puts faith down to being silly, delusional, irrational or just plain stupid. Faith is for those that do not think, right? An atheist believes they are thinking rationally, that they are thinking. But are they really? I can never be an atheist, i do not believe that i can become a man of faith either, not in a religious form. I sit firmly in the middle. I do not believe i can have faith to the point of being christian because i think i cannot lay down that there is no such thing as god. Many of the greatest minds on the planet hold such an ‘i don’t know’  view on the idea of god. If you truly think about it, if you set aside feelings you cannot say there is no such thing as god. Though, i do not believe at this time that one can say that there is god either. I think it is one of the unanswerable questions we face in this moment of time, it really comes down to what you believe personally.

There’s a blogger here on wordpress that i respect in many ways, i enjoy reading their posts. This blogger is an atheist. What i find curious though is how they attack the idea of god and those of faith, they attack the idea through emotion more than they do the logic they claim to be abiding to.  If you do not believe in god, why do you occupy your mind with it to the point of having an emotional reaction i wonder? Why does it bother you? An atheist can bring to the table all the evidence they want that god does not exist, but at the end of the day, what they bring to the table is no better than someone of faith. Both sides bring little to no evidence to the table in the greater scheme of things.

But, i will say this. An atheist will likely carry sadness, emptiness and just generally a feeling of being lost. These feelings can vent themselves through things like anger and depression. Christianity refers to this as a dark void within you, we are ALL aware of this if we are true to ourselves. If you do not believe there can be a god, then the purpose of life becomes pointless no? Why love? Why care? Why have hope?  I don’t have any answers to whether there is a god or not, im not even sure on my feelings towards it yet. But i do know this, having hope opens you to a more fulfilling life. Whether that hope is real or not, does it matter i wonder if it enables you to open yourself to love, and in return to be loved?

I know what its like to live without hope. I lived without it for a long time, carrying on in that direction was only going to lead me somewhere dark and cold, it had already began to do so. What faith is essentially i believe is hope. I’m coming to admire that in those of faith. The lack of hope and the tunnel vision approach of an atheist i am coming to realize is far less admirable than i would have thought say, 2 years ago.

By all means, question and challenge those of faith, challenge the creation story of the bible, please, do so for it needs to be challenged!  I was speaking with a geography teacher the other day who is a christian, he expressed his thoughts on the creation story and he stated like me that it is implausible to say the least. But he didn’t believe it to be a literal translation, i respect that he has given this thought and not ignored this conflict between science and religion. His views for instance on Adam and Eve were simply that the story is just code for a deeper moral truth.  His faith in god is not based on the literal stories of the bible, but a belief in god. He seemed genuinely happy with his life, he expressed enthusiasm and interest in others and overall, a pretty balanced guy. He expressed how when he met his wife they were then parted for 3 years before they got married, she in India while he was in England. He was able to wait for her, he waited. I find that amazing and a true testament to his feelings towards her. The act of long distance was faith in itself no? Faith that they would stay faithful, faith that they would one day be together again and so on.  Now, they are married with children. Their relationship is in itself, a result of faith.

Someone of faith will not tell you about their relationship with god. They simply say, you have to experience it for yourself. This seems like a cop out, they are avoiding a question that if they are telling the truth should be easy to answer no? Well, right or wrong, whether god exists or not, whether faith is based on lies, whatever it be, i can relate this inability to answer such a thing to that of love. If you have truly been in love, you cannot really tell someone how it feels, you cant. Love is not sex, love is nothing to do with the mating game. A lot of people think they know love, they do not. Love changes you and not always for the better from many of a perspective. You bend to it, you change, you transform. A Christian will relate their relationship to god in a similar way to being in love. And in this, i can understand why they cannot answer this question of mine. How they have faith.

I do not believe having faith is anything to do with the bible, the stories, taking them literally and disregarding science. I believe you can be a man of science and faith. Understanding how the universe works is an intelligence that nobody should ignore, but at the same time its not an intelligence that people should use to disregard god.

What i find fascinating is that its not religion that made me feel that god may exist, rather science. The more we understand about the universe, how we fit into it, how things work, how it began and how it will end, the more real god becomes.

This is a thought i want to leave this post on …


The Atheist …

A clash of opinion


Before i go on, i suggest you read this post by myatheistlife.

As you have guessed, he is an atheist and is clearly giving the subject matter thought, the subject being god. Below i have quoted myself from my comments on his post, i feel i am making a true point here that i wish to share with those who stumble upon me.

When we try to understand what god is, we place restrictions on what it can be whether we like it or not. This is because we are human, we are caged by the rules with which we live in and therefore we cant understand existence outside of them.

Until we are free of these rules, until we are all knowing and all powerful attempting to comprehend god is like trying to study micro-organisms with a magnifying glass.

What im saying is, dont say there is no such thing as a micro-organism just because ‘you’ cant see it through your magnifying glass.

Think about this for a second…. If you take this thought in, it clarifies the issues that an atheist has against those of faith. Science is based on the tools you use, religion is based on feeling there is something more. An atheist says, i cannot break down this wall with this hammer, therefore it must be impossible. Those of faith say, i already know what is behind that wall. Then you have those who say, ah, but it is not impossible, you simply need a bigger hammer. Problem is that bigger hammer in relation to knowing whether god exists or not doesn’t exist in the world today, at least not in my experience.

I do not judge what is on the other side of wall, in my current position i cant. But at the same time i do not state that this wall cannot be broken down just because the right tool doesn’t not exist in this time.

To be an atheist, you likely regard human intelligence to be sufficiently great enough that we are already in a position to understand everything that is. Or at least, the atheist looks at god in the same way religion teaches it and says, you are illogical. So much of religion seems illogical to me, i must say. I would not be content with believing in god as one of faith does, yet simultaneously ignore evidence that challenges the way in which i see god. It simply doesn’t make sense, it defies the nature in me to seek, to try and find answers, to ask why. This is why i sit firmly and uneasily in the middle, between Christianity and science. I believe there is much to be learned from both. Science does not teach you how to be good, Jesus is quite simply, the greatest symbol of whats right. You want to be a good person? There is no better role model than Jesus.

Jesus wasn’t afraid to stand up for what he believed in, even if he stood alone. He laid down the ten commandments of which is the true bible of every good man and woman in this world. He hung from that cross in excruciating agony till the last breath went through his lungs. To the very last moment, he stood up for what he believed in, what he was. Everyone and i mean everyone on this planet should take note of that. He is the symbol of courage regardless of whether he was the son of god or not (while im here ill state my opinion that Jesus was either insane, delusional or he was the son of god. No mortal man could endure such torture and not break under a lie with which he has created.)

But, religion seems to teach very little when it comes to understanding where we fit into everything in the greater scheme of things. It pinpoints us in many ways as the center of the universe. Which, we are not. Science poses questions and seeks to find the answers. It seeks to find these answers without the input of human emotion even though it doesn’t always succeed in this.

Without science, there is no progress. We are at a technological peak in our race because of science, we are indebted to those of science for so much of what we take for granted. That said, where would the world be if not for religion? Religion is about being moral, that is a lesson that we all can learn regardless of whether we have faith or not. It is always in the back of our minds, it guides us to do whats right, it gives us hope that we aren’t living a pointless life, that we aren’t alone, that being good is rewarded further down the line. We are all afraid of our mortality,  it scares us because we do not know what happens. What scares us the most i think is that we all die alone and through death we fear that nothing may happen. I know that’s what scares me the most.

Religion gives the world hope. Science and religion in many ways work together, science is the engine which powers the human race, keeps us moving forward, faith is what gives us purpose moving forward.

A question of faith … and god

What is it?


I have not posted for some time now, going on a month. In the process of moving property i have come face to face with numerous opportunities to further my knowledge on faith. With the influence of a family i have come to know, my curiosity of what faith is has been heightened.

What is faith?

I am not religious yet i find myself sitting uneasily between the powerhouses of science and Christianity. For the first time in my life i have decided to open my mind, go to church, meet those of faith directly and present my thoughts to them. The response…….. has been interesting. Like all of us, i am prone to judgement and i must say, i have been wrong about those of faith.

Tonight, i found myself among a group of Christians expressing their faith to each other. There was the usual i was going through bad times, i spoke to god and he helped me out of it. There was the arrogant one, the one who thinks they are high and mighty, when they are not. There was also the victim of life, they expressed how god turned that around and how much they thank him for that. But the one who i truly locked horns with and thus, sparked my interest, was what  i did not expect. He was intelligent, he made me stumble on my words, at times he knocked me down and offered his hand as a way back up. He had a counter for almost everything i said, whats more his responses were often plausible.

That is, till i regrouped and continued to challenge him to answer my questions.

What it came down to at the very end was the answer i  had prepared for, he said i dont know. This is an intelligent man, one who has thought through his faith, his ideas paralleled science in alarming ways, at times fusing the two together. But, he had not thought through everything it seems, the words he finished on, the words with which he made his last are evidence of this. One thing is for certain, i have not made him question his faith, nor do i want that to happen. I find this strength of mind fascinating.

He is a man of faith.

I do not understand this blind belief in a being with such certainty that you can talk about your relationship with god like i would talk about mine with my girlfriend, whom i might add i love more than anything in this world. He said to me until you experience it (the holy spirit), i cannot show you the way. These words are like sticking a brick wall between us, how do i get past it? The simple answer is i cannot. I cannot unless i can understand faith. Can i understand faith? I do not believe i ever can, not in the way that a christian does. It seems apparent to me that to have faith, you have to be willing to bypass knowledge that defies that faith. This is something i cannot do, a theory is just a theory, a coincidence is just a coincidence unless it is proven otherwise. I find it ironic that they use coincidence as proof of their faith, yet refuse to give overwhelming evidence that clashes with their faith a look in. It seems to be a game of making up the rules as we go so to speak at times. Tweaking things here and there to allow one to relate in a more comfortable manner.

How can i invest my life and soul into something that is so riddled with holes? Religion is riddled with holes, it turns a blind eye to facts that clash with it scriptures. Science is also equally riddled with holes, filled with arrogance and leaps to so called facts which in actuality turn out to be just theories. But i can see a day when we are more than we are today, where religion and science meet. This is something i will talk about in the near future.

I have yet to witness a miracle where the rules of the universe are bent to make way for god. Yet, the universe in itself is a miracle is it not? If there is a creator, it does not mean that it has the ability to bend the rules of which our reality is built upon. It would be like the domino effect, everything is in balance one way or another, change one thing and it affects everything else. Mathematics defines the universe, the rules with which can be calculated allowing us to look into the past and into the future. But, as a man of faith would say, understanding how the universe works does not answer why there is a universe in the first place. That is an intriguing thought.

We humans think we are greater than we are. We place too much stock in our limited intelligence, we turn our emotional reactions into so called logic, some of us become twisted and state there is no such thing as god. This question, in my opinion, is something that nobody on earth can answer. When we try to understand what god is, we place restrictions on what it can be whether we like it or not. This is because we are human, we are caged by the rules with which we live in and therefore we cant understand existence outside of them.

Until we are free of these rules, until we are all knowing and all powerful attempting to comprehend god is like trying to study micro-organisms with a magnifying glass.


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